A CUP OF TIPS TO START UP THE DAY

A CUP OF TIPS TO START UP THE DAY
LESSON 1 A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their
way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be
in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. and he was
gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. and
he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"

LESSON 2 Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand,
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON II: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"

LESSON 3 An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way
to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of
-ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of
'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"

LESSON 4 There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a
genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the
bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A
wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted,
"WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so
happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
contented
with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
He
steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
LESSON IV: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"
LESSON 5 The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide
who was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the
brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where
it's
going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief Day 2 -
Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly Day 3 - Legs got cramps and
became unstable Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred Day 5
-
Blood became toxic and poisoned the body Day 6 -The other organs agreed to
let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK
YOU
ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE"
Happy working!

She is Pregnant !

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
> period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys
> a pregnancy kit.

>>> The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
> cursing, crying the mother says,"Who was the pig that did this to
you? I want to know!"

>>> The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
> later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
> distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
> suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

>>> He sits in the living room with the father and the mother,
>>> and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed
> me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal

> family situation but I'll take charge I will pay all costs and
> provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

>>> "Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
> stores, a town house, a beach front villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
>>> couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account."

>>> "If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

>>> However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

>>> At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a
> hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
> him............................

>>> "Then you try again" !!!!!!

Why I am a clerk

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."


A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" 

TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

Think outside of the box

You are driving along in your new porche boxter car on a wild,stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.



WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."